Inspirational thought of the week:
One is the loneliest number that you'll ever do
Two can be as bad as one
It's the loneliest number since the number one
"No" is the saddest experience you'll ever know
Yes, it's the saddest experience you'll ever know
Because one is the loneliest number that you'll ever do
One is the loneliest number that you'll ever know
-- "One," Harry Nilsson
Here at Bottom 10 Headquarters, located behind the shelves of shaking, smoking, grinding stacks of Commodore 64 floppy disk drives that it takes for Bill Connelly to compute his SP+ rankings every week, we enter the second month of the college football season and 10th month of the 2,026th year A.D. with one number in mind and it is that one number, the number one.
Why? Because in all of those years, or at least in the lucky 13 years that I have compiled these rankings, we've never departed September with this many teams stuck with one-win records. There are currently 138 FBS programs and a whopping 27 of them have records of 1-and-something. There are 22 teams that are 1-3, four that are 1-2 and one that is 1-4 (we'll get to them shortly). That's nearly 20% of the nation that has celebrated only once this fall, and that misery is spread from sea to sea and conference to conference, one nation under pain, with misery and injustice for all.
The new Pac-12 has eight teams and three are 1-3. The Fun Belt has two seven-team divisions, with three one-win teams in the East and a pair of one-win teams in the West. But Conference USA leads the USA when it comes to going solo in the W column, with five 1-3 squads on its 10-team roster.
Then there are the four teams that are reading all of the above, rolling their blackened eyes and saying, "Y'all think one is the loneliest number? Try zero."
With apologies to former Pitt wideout Larry Fitzgerald, former Michigan receiver Anthony Carter, former Mississippi State running back Elmore Wonsley and Steve Harvey, here are the 2026 post-Week 4 Bottom 10 rankings.
1. Northern Ill-ugh-noise (0-4)
The Other Huskies were bitten by the Georgia State Not Southern Panthers 35-14 last week. Props to NIU for equally distributing its losses, with one each to teams in the Big Ten, Missouri Valley, Big 12 and Sun Belt. That is, as we say on "Marty & McGee" "apro-pro" because I can never remember which conference NIU is now in.
2. Charlotte 0-and-4ers (0-4)
This is awkward for me as a longtime Charlottean. There's a guy dressed in Niners green who always follows me through the Bojangles drive-thru slinging Cheerwine at my truck while he angrily sings Avett Brothers and Elevation Worship songs.
3. ULM (pronounced "Uhlm") (0-4)
Ulm, the Hawks have surrendered, ulm, 171 points in four games. That's, ulm, last in the nation. I'm no mathematician, but if you, ulm, give up more points than anyone else, well, ulm, that probably means you're losing more than anyone else, too.
4. Boiling Green (0-4)
The 0-4 Brown Falcons led the 4-0 US(not C)F Bulls all evening before surrendering a pair of fourth-quarter TDs. Forgive the Falcons if they were distracted because they have a Pillow Fight of the Week(s) #MACtion doubleheader on their feathery horizon. Keep reading for info on that ...
5. Mee-she-gun (2-1)
The clock it doth giveth you a second and the clock it doth also punish you at the last second. What was it Tony Stark said? "When you mess with time, it tends to mess back."
6. Sackreminto State (1-4)
The Sacks lost a bicoastal clash to the suddenly unstoppable college football force that is UMass. Now they have a weekend off to pack for a Week 6 Pillow Fight of the Week of the Year (PFOWY) sojourn to Boiling Green. The bad news is they are listed as a 14-point underdog to Open Date.
7. Baller State (1-3)
Whatever happens with Sack State and Boiling Green in Week 6 will set up a Week 7 PFOWY home game between Baller and Boiling, then a Week 8 PFOWY blockbuster between the Sackers and the Ballers, which sounds like a terrible reboot of "West Side Story."
8. UTEPid (1-3)
Not to be outdone, there is movement out West (where I thought Sacramento State was but apparently, it's in Mid-America?) to create a Week 6 PFOWY of its own, on Oct. 10 when the Minors host ...
9. No-vada (1-3)
The Other Woofpack has suffered two close losses, a seven-point defeat by Muddled Tennessee and a three-point flyby from Air Force. Now they too have a date with the Fightin' Byes of Open Date U.
10. Whew Mexico State (1-3)
The Other Aggies lost to their archrival, Whew Mexico, in the Rio Grande Rivalry, or as some call it the Battle of I-5, or as Diego Pavia calls it, "I don't think Colin Simmons went far enough."
Waiting List: In A Rut-gers, Pur-don't, Western Kentucky Hillstoppers, Where In The World Is Carmen San Diego State, Sam Houston We Have A Problem, Akronmonious, Mizzou State, Southern Missed, Kennesaw Mountain Landis State, Minute Rice, Coastal Carolina Can't-a-cleers, trying to convince everyone listening on the radio that the hit that just happened didn't just happen.