How I Overcame My Fears About Earning Much More Money Than My Husband

This as-told-to essay is based on a conversation with Sami Wunder. It has been edited for length and clarity.

When Chris and I met in 2011, we were both in the middle of completing our Master of Public Policy degrees in Germany. I remember evaluating him to see if he was the right person for me. He came from a good family, was well-educated, smart, and had traveled a lot. He had an abundant mindset and was so generous. He never made me feel I was a burden — such a gentleman.

Right after we were married, Chris got a great job offer to work at the European Space Agency in Paris, and we decided to move there for the first two years of our marriage.

While he worked a “proper job” providing for our financial needs, I took on the role of housewife, cooking and waiting for him to return home. I became extremely unhappy. I had a master’s degree and was a gold medal economist — what was I doing with myself?

Chris was the one who encouraged me to start the business I had talked about — a dating and relationship coaching business for high-achieving women who were struggling with attracting a loving partner.

I started my business, and it quickly grew.

I worried about my relationship if I made more money than my husband

Having been conditioned by both society and my traditional family upbringing, I believed a man’s ego was fragile — that it would be shattered if a woman made more than him.

When I started bringing home more money than Chris, I feared things in our relationship would change, that he’d get intimidated, and our marriage would collapse because I was having more success. I remember briefly wondering if my respect and attraction for him would change with myself as the higher earner.

Instead of keeping my fears to myself, Chris and I had open conversations. He told me how proud he was of me and my success and that he didn’t think my success diminished what he steadily brought to our relationship.

He came up with two solutions. He could set up his own company and sell digital products to prove to me that he was just as capable of earning as I was. Or we could both come to an understanding that he was still the awesome guy I married, who made money, but just not as much as I did.

I decided I would rather be in a collaborative relationship, not a competitive one. Chris didn’t need to earn the same or more than I was to prove he was good enough. Me outearning him has nothing to do with his value or worth — he is still that same valuable, amazing, incredible guy. This breakthrough saved my marriage and gave me the ticket to fly as high as I wanted in my career.

He manages our investments

Even though I am a multimillionaire, Chris is still a provider for our family. He continues to work and make his own money. He plans date nights and takes care of our two kids. No matter the amount of money either one of us is making, he is still the same man I married and love.

He also amplifies my wealth, managing all our pension funds, investments, and real estate, all while continuing to work a full-time job as well.

As a high-achieving woman, I tap into my “masculine” energy when I’m working. I’m the boss babe. In my office, I’m in control, but at home and in my relationship, I’ve learned to just be a woman. I can receive from my husband, have feelings, and be vulnerable. When I first started to work on this habit, I would put a pearl bracelet on when I finished work as a way of anchoring me, reminding me it was time to rest and tap into surrender, playfulness, and vulnerability. Now, it’s become a habit.

As my business and income continue to grow, I am confident about the beautiful place Chris and I have come to through our difficult conversations about fears.

I don’t see myself as the breadwinner, and neither does Chris. We both contribute to this family as a team and as collaborators.

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