An egg walks into a kitchen looking unhappy, so a chef asks what’s up. “It’s the spurtles,” he says. “They beat me.”

“What about the forks?” ventures the chef; “Yes, they beat me too,” comes back the response, so there’s a pause while the chef considers.

“Have you thought about hanging out with Manchester United?” he eventually offers. They don’t beat anyone.”

It’s now almost two months since United won a league game, and that against promoted Ipswich – who now sit five places above them in the table. They did also manage a victory over Sabah, Champions League debutants, but otherwise, their start to the season has been miserable beyond conception, even by their august standards, and is rapidly getting worse. Already, it looks like yet another manager is toast, and this time, perhaps for the first time, there’s no sense of where they could go next.

Just three weeks ago, a home game against Bournemouth was as close to a gimme as possible – even for them. Since then, though, consecutive home wins over Sturm Graz, Sunderland and Milan with eight goals scored and none conceded have flipped the Cherries’ mood and they arrive at Old Trafford with Marco Rose ensconced and the club on a buzz. They’ll fancy this, and really who wouldn’t?

If that was the extent of our afternoon, it’d be plenty, but happily for us, it’s not even close. At Anfield, Liverpool – who’ve also won three on the spin in uplifting fashion – entertain Brighton, already three points clear of third with a game in hand. They’ll know a top-five spot is theirs for the taking and the way they’re playing, who knows what else?

Those two matches will be our focus, but we’ll also be updating from from KC where Hull, who might just be running out of form after a brilliant start, face Brentford while, at Selhurst, Palace meet Newcastle, struggling badly after a promising start under Matthias Jaissle. Or, in other words, this is going to be a lot of fun.

Kick-offs: 2pm GMT, baby