MOU AND WHOSE ARMY?

Football Daily has never had much time for conspiracy theories. Lee Harvey Oswald dunnit, Stanley Kubrick didn’t fake the moon landing, Vinícius Jr doesn’t have a body double and Miranda isn’t a secret traitor. But our Spidey senses picked up when the UK government announced their Be Ready campaign on Thursday night. In case you missed it, or live outside the UK and couldn’t care less about this weird little island, we’ve lifted this from our news story:

“Every Briton is being urged to stock up to nine litres of bottled water and three days’ worth of food in new government guidance designed to ensure that households can survive a weather, cyber or other serious emergency. The Be Ready campaign is aimed at persuading people to stock up with supplies to last 72 hours, amid growing official concern about the impact of the climate crisis, technological dependency and hostile state threats.”

War’s a comin’, in other words, so you’d better buy some tomato soup (10 tins of), mushroom soup (eight tins of, for consumption cold) and ice cream (vanilla, one large tub of). Here’s where it gets interesting. The government released their three-day survival plan on Thursday afternoon, three days before the event most likely to cause World War III: José Mourinho’s first Clásico since 2013. Barcelona meet Real Madrid at the Camp Nou on Sunday and suddenly the government are telling us we may need to hunker down. Coincidence? We think not!

OK, OK. Coincidence? We think so! José may be the most charismatic baddie since Dirty Den’s most recent death, but not even he is capable of starting the geopolitical answer to El Clásico. Sunday’s match will spark a form of global conflict, even if it’s just a load of strangers caterwauling at each other on the internet rather than talking to their children, reading a book or practising any of the gazillion behaviours that would make their lives and the world a better place.

Mourinho’s relationship with Barcelona could fill a book, never mind a teatime email. There is love lost, but it’s decades since it went missing. These days they can’t stand the thought of each other, never mind the sight. There is an argument (NB: Football Daily doesn’t actually want to argue) that Mourinho’s greatest achievement in football, apart from finishing second with Manchester United in 2017-18, was to take a La Liga title off probably the greatest club side of all time. He also drove Pep Guardiola into a sabbatical – but that, and the Realpolitik of the Bernabéu dressing-room, took so much out of Mourinho that he has never been the same since that triumphant 2011-12 season.

The Camp Nou was the venue for Mourinho’s “most beautiful defeat” (you know the one, when not even a good hosing could douse his celebrations) and his most humiliating defeat a few months later. He can’t afford any kind of defeat on Sunday: Madrid are six points behind Barcelona, who have won all nine league games, scoring 39 goals in the process. But Mourinho’s team have scored four goals in each of their last three matches and, even in the absence of the suspended Vinícius Jr , have attacking threats galore. And whatever the result, Mourinho’s post-match press conference will be must-see TV.

The match kicks off on Sunday evening, but only if you take these things literally. For Mourinho, it began the moment he was asked a question about it. He has had the face on all week because, well, wouldn’t you if you were treated like this? Barcelona played 24 hours earlier than Madrid in Bigger Cup, an open goal for conspiracy theorists and performative underdogs. “We’re pushing ahead,” he said. “At the moment, we’re missing out on 24 hours of rest, but we’re moving forward.” So is Football Daily, to the supermarket to get some urgent shopping. We’ll Be Ready for Sunday – not with 72 hours of essential supplies, but with a month’s worth of popcorn.

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QUOTE OF THE DAY

“I’ll hold that umbrella for me to get wet and for everyone else to stay dry. You know, that’s the position I’m in, and it’s a privileged position” – Michael Carrick delivers a near six-minute monologue defending Manchester United’s values in which he veered close to painting a picture of himself as being akin to another former Middlesbrough manager who once held a brolly while watching his team fail.

FOOTBALL DAILY LETTERS

Would it not be much easier all round if the two big clubs in Manchester simply swapped all playing and coaching staff before the next round of fixtures? United would finally get the squad that Bruno Fernandes and Lisandro Martínez clearly feel they deserve, one of serial winners who are worthy of the club’s fine history (and free of the whiners). Meanwhile, City would might get a team that would make them (somewhat) competitive in the lower tiers where they’re surely headed. And a manager who has coached there quite recently. Sure there’d be a few grumbles from the fans, but more importantly in the current football climate, think of all the potential new shirt sales, and the Us-Against-the-World mentality that Enzo Maresca would be able to instil in his team whose own supporters would even hate them. And no-one would even have to move house. It’s a win-win solution. Although, no, it’s United; so probably a win-high-scoring-draw-against-Wycombe solution” – Justin Kavanagh.

Like all right-minded people, I only read Big Website to get my fill of news and information (ahem …). However, I did come across a recent piece in The New Yorker on James Daunt, the chief suit of the US book chain Barnes & Noble (no relation). The billionaire Russian oligarch, Alexander Mamut, asked him 20 years ago how much it would cost to buy Waterstones, and when he was told it would be £40m, he looked pleased and just said, ‘That’s less than Fernando Torres’, before adding, ‘It’s not even half a boat’. Odd reference points these billionaires” – Noble Francis.

May I be the first of 1,057 Daniels to say thank you for the good luck message at the end of Thursday’s Football Daily. It has put a little extra pep in my step today” – Daniel Mee.

If you have any, please send letters to [email protected]. Today’s prizeless letter o’ the day goes to … Justin Kavanagh. Terms and conditions for our competitions, when we run them, are here. 

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